blinded by starlight, heartbeats and my mind.

Sometimes I just don’t know it anymore.

And my head is just one big mess.

Dear uncle,

This weekend was a terrible weekend. It hitted me right in the face when my mom told me you are having this horrible disease. It hurts me so bad to say it. “He has cancer Anne.” I couldn’t believe it when my mom said this, how could this be true? Tears were streaming over my cheek. Why you? 

It’s been two days since i’ve heard the news, but it hurts me so bad. You were the one who was always there. Not only when someone in the family was feeling bad, but also at every birthday, every party, always. 

I can’t imagine that you, who was always there, will just dissapear. Sure, some people will leave you, but they will always stay in the background. But you will dissapear, after a long time we won’t remember your voice anymore, and after a long long time we won’t remember your face anymore. It makes me so incredibly sad that you maybe won’t be there anymore. 

In my nightmares I dream about your funeral. How it will be, what kind of music I will hear, the sorrow of everyone who will be there and how you are going to be missed. 

There is still a bit of hope, but not much. This week is going to be full of tests and scans and all that sort of things. Monday is the day that we will hear how long you will live and how bad it is. 

I never told you I love you. But dear uncle, I do. I really do. You mean the world to me and i couldn’t have a better uncle than you. 

54 is too young to die. So please, stay with us. I don’t want to miss you.

Love, your niece. 

Missing you

Dear boyfriend,

It gives me such a sad feeling that i can’t hear your voice for the time that you are away. I hate it that I can’t cuddle you and lay in your big, strong arms that make me feel so safe. I hate it that I can’t look into your sweet eyes that make me melt every time I see them. 

Please let this week go by fast and let it be monday the 18th. I hate to be alone.

some things make me a bit sad, like not going on vacation with my boyfriend this year, because he’s too busy working, having a lot to do for school which makes me crazy and the fact that i’m almost done with school and i have to leave some amazing people behind. 

can we just disappear and move to another country together? 

I don’t know what this is, this weird feeling as if something has to be wrong, that everything is going so well that something bad is about to happen.. it makes me a bit scared and insecure. 

Right now I just want to cuddle my boyfriend and feel happy again.

Mom, i love you. I know it’s hard sometimes, but just remember that i love you.